What I Stopped Teaching (And Why It Made Me Better)

When I started teaching self-defence 32 years ago, I taught what I knew.

I was the so-called expert. I shared what I knew with others, thinking that was what they needed.

It took me years to figure out that was backwards.

The hitchhiking lesson

Early on, I taught the risks of hitchhiking. At the time, it still seemed to matter.

But hitchhiking was already fading by the time I started. In North America, it had been in decline since the late 1970s and 80s. Fewer people did it every year.

So I had a choice. Keep it in my curriculum or use that time for something more common.

What is one of the biggest challenges of teaching self-defence? The biggest challenge is not knowledge. It is time.

I always say it is easier to teach a 20-hour course than a 4-hour one. Why? Because in 20 hours you can cover a lot of critical content. In 4 hours, you have to choose. What do you cut?

That question changed how I teach.

Instead of teaching what I know, I started asking my clients what they were facing, not assuming I knew.

The stranger danger myth in self-defence training

This is a big one that has been top of mind for people because of the media and the self-defence industry over the years.

The risks of walking through a dark parking garage and being attacked by some scary dude wearing a hoodie.

That is what most self-defense marketing sells. It is dramatic. It is scary.

It is also not what happens to most people.

Statistics Canada found that most violent crimes involve someone the victim knows, not a stranger. Robbery is about the only violent crime that is usually committed by a stranger. For sexual assault, the numbers are even clearer. In nearly half of police-reported cases, the accused was someone the victim knew but was not family. Strangers were only about one quarter.

Statistics back this, but I kept hearing it from my clients.

Year after year, my clients' stories were not about strangers. They were about a partner. An ex. A family member. Someone they knew.

So I put my teaching focus where it should be, on what my clients were experiencing.

This is not new. We have known this for a long time. The term "acquaintance rape" showed up in print back in 1982. The data has been clear for 40 years.

The data changed, but the marketing did not.

The client who I will never forget

I want to tell you about one woman. No name. I have not spoken to her in years.

She had been abused for years. She was finally going to the police to report him.

That is the most dangerous moment. When a person leaves or reports, the risk of serious harm spikes. She knew it. She told me she thought he would "finish the job." He had tried before.

So we threw out my usual course—almost all of it.

None of my general topics fit her. She had one specific, direct threat. That is what we agreed to address.

We built a plan to get to safety. The neighbours. Where the kids would go. Where she would go. And yes, a few simple physical skills if it came to that. Just the basics. Because under stress, you fall to what you can remember.

I made it clear from the beginning that she controlled the training. She could stop, skip, or pass on anything she was not comfortable with. It was her training, not mine.

At one point, I asked if I could ask some difficult questions. Did he blame you? Make you feel guilty? Gaslight you? We went through a series of common manipulation strategies abusers use.

Yes to all of them.

Then I asked if she thought she was the only one going through this.

She did.

I told her that within a few miles of where we sat, many women were living the same thing. She was not alone. Even with all the attention this topic gets, she still felt alone.

That is the whole point. You do not teach the general. You teach the person in front of you.

The rule I live by now

Years later, out of nowhere, she commented on something I shared.

"Thanks for saving my life."

I do not take credit for that. I wasn't there; she was by herself.

If she remembered something useful and it helped her survive, good. But I did not save her. She saved herself.

Here is my rule for any instructor. If you are going to take credit when a student survives, are you also willing to take the blame when one does not?

I educate people. I hope they never need what I teach, and if they do, I hope they remember it, but I don’t take credit.

What this means for self-defence instructors

If you teach self-defense, or want to, here is what matters most.

Stop teaching what you know. Start teaching what your clients live and experience.

• Listen to your clients' real stories.

• Cut the dramatic stuff that rarely happens.

• Spend your limited time on what matters most, based on their needs.

That is what SAFE Certification is built on. Recall-first, client-first teaching for regular people. Not performance. Not fantasy. What holds up when it counts.

Want to teach this way? See if SAFE Certification is the right fit.

If you or someone you know is living with abuse, reach out to someone you trust, or a local support service or helpline in your area.

Sources

• Statistics Canada, police-reported violent crime and victim-accused relationship: statcan.gc.ca

• Leaving is the most dangerous time, expert commentary: CBC News.

• Separation and homicide risk statistics: Battered Women's Support Services