Violence Prevention Begins Long Before Violence
A conversation between Jae Morgans and Chris Roberts
Jae Morgans is a conflict resolution professional who recently joined SAFE Certification. After a series of conversations, he wrote down what he took from them. What follows is his piece, published as he wrote it, with my responses added underneath each section. We do not disagree on much. But every section he wrote opened a door, and I wanted to walk through a few of them. Chris
Some conversations leave us with more information to consider. Others leave us seeing things differently. A recent conversation with violence prevention educator Chris Roberts was one of those.
Much of my work involves helping people navigate conflict. At work, in families, in leadership, and within organizations. In talking with Chris, I recognized something I had been practicing for years, though I had not named it clearly until now. Chris helped me find language for it. He did not make it more complicated. Instead, he made it simpler.
Prevention Is the Real Intervention
Jae
As I worked through Chris' material, one realization stood out to me:
My de-escalation method is more prevention-based. It's more of, I'm intervening so early. That's why I have been effective.
For years, I have been paying attention to subtle shifts in body language, proximity, tone of voice, hesitation, pace, breathing, and emotional energy. I was noticing and tracking these signals. What I had not been doing was teaching others how to notice what I was tracking. Chris' work reminded me that many of the skills experienced practitioners rely upon become invisible because they have become automatic. The challenge is to help others recognize these often invisible skills before conflict escalates.
Violence prevention does not begin when fists are raised. It begins with a shift in awareness.
Chris
The drill series you just watched with Richard and me covers exactly this. Body language. Pre-contact cues. What to look for before anything happens.
The bigger challenge is time.
When you teach, time is limited. You have to see the session from the perspective of the people in front of you. A short session is not for a deep dive. It is for the most critical, easiest to understand skills. The ones they will still remember next week.
I always encourage instructors to teach as if they will never see their clients again. If you do see them again, great. But do not expect it. Teach from the position of "what if I never see them again." What is most valuable in this short amount of time?
You wrote that violence prevention begins with a shift in awareness. I agree, and I would add one step before that.
I now believe it begins with each person educating themselves on their own strengths and weaknesses first.
Self defence begins with the self. There is no way to resolve a conflict if you cannot even control yourself. Self-awareness is the first step.
The Difference Between Conflict and Violence
Jae
One aspect of Chris' approach I appreciate is his clarity about the difference between ordinary human conflict and actual violence. It is common to respond to disagreement as if we are already under threat. Our nervous systems can interpret discomfort as danger. Chris repeatedly brings people back to a much simpler question:
I just want to get home to my family safe. I want them to get home to their family safe.
That intention shifts the entire approach. Instead of asking, "How do I win?" we begin asking, "How do both of us leave this situation safely?" This shift influences posture, language, decision-making, and ultimately behaviour.
Chris
Something I have brought up many times. Many people will not act to protect themselves. But they will do much more for the people they love. The people who count on them.
I do talk about win, win, win. But I always make one thing clear.
If you approach a conflict believing one person has to win and one has to lose, you lose the humanity that could have protected everyone involved. Directly and indirectly.
And your point about the nervous system is the one I wish more people understood.
Many people treat low-level conflicts, ones with little to no chance of physical harm, as high stress and high stakes.
They turn easy conflicts into hard ones. Based solely on how they handle them.
Ego Is Often the Real Opponent
Jae
During our discussion, we both reflected on the role of the ego in conflict. I often describe conflict as an interaction between the protective parts of ourselves and the parts that hold more wisdom. When the ego is in charge, our perception narrows. It seeks certainty. It seeks superiority. It seeks protection.
Chris expressed this beautifully:
Self-defence begins with the self. If you can't control yourself, it won't matter.
That idea could serve as a foundation for conflict education. Before we can influence an interaction, we need to be able to regulate ourselves. This has been a teaching found in many wisdom traditions. Jesus spoke about removing the plank from our own eye. The Buddha taught mastery of the mind. Stoic philosophers emphasized governing ourselves before attempting to govern circumstances. The order remains the same. Go inward before going outward. Conflict tends to reveal whether we have done that work.
Chris
This is a huge part of the discussion.
Yes, regulating yourself is key. But it is also the right moment to bring up what a person stands to lose if they cannot control their ego.
Seeing past the immediate conflict. Understanding that your actions affect your family. Financially. Emotionally. Psychologically. Legally.
The problem is that you usually have to think about these things in quiet times. Not in the moment, when tensions are high.
That is why this cannot really be accomplished in a one-time seminar. But a seminar can leave people with a lot to think about. Their previous conflicts. How the results could have been very different.
This is also an excellent time for you or me to bring up mistakes we have made. So students understand that even the experts struggle at times.
It makes you appear much more human. Rather than just being the person at the front of the room saying here is what you do and here is what you don't do.
The Fire Triangle of Conflict
Jae
During our conversation, I found myself describing conflict using a model I frequently teach. Conflict often behaves much like fire. A fire requires three things. Heat, fuel, and oxygen. Remove one of those elements, and the fire cannot continue.
Conflict is much the same. The heat may be disrespect, criticism, or perceived judgment. The fuel may be trauma, fear, identity, habits, or unhealed experiences. The oxygen is the meaning we make, the stories we tell ourselves, and the ego's interpretation of events.
As conflict practitioners, our work is not only to put out the flames. Our responsibility is to notice which part of the triangle is sustaining the conflict. Chris' approach consistently reduces oxygen. He slows the interaction. He introduces curiosity. He interrupts assumptions. He invites dialogue. This is the heart of prevention.
Chris
The fire, the heat, and the oxygen are excellent.
As I read it, I found myself also thinking about the circumstance of the conflict. Getting very clear on a few things:
What is the conflict over?
What is my part in it?
What is the desired result?
And as we said, am I dealing with a good guy having a bad day, or a bad guy?
As you said, the unknown is where a lot of the challenges lie.
The person in front of you. Not knowing who they are. Not knowing what they are capable of. Not knowing their experiences.
One Question That Changes Everything
Jae
One of the simplest and most useful ideas from our discussion was Chris' preferred opening question:
How can I help you?
At first, it may seem almost too simple. Yet beneath that question is a great deal of psychological understanding. It communicates respect. It lowers defensiveness. It invites rather than challenges. It also provides important information. The response can show us whether we are with someone who is overwhelmed, hurting, in need of being heard, or not interested in resolving the situation peacefully.
Are you a good person having a bad day, or a bad person?
This distinction is important. Not every conflict can be resolved through dialogue. Yet every conflict deserves an attempt at dialogue before force is considered.
Chris
I was going to say that you want to figure out which one they are.
But reading your piece back, I changed my mind.
It is not just them. It is us.
We all need to consider how we might be coming across to the other person.
Because many people who handle conflict poorly still think they are a good person having a bad day. And in that moment, they could become the bad person.
The Goal Isn't Perfect Conflict Resolution
Jae
By the end of our conversation, we arrived at something simple. The goal is not perfect conflict. The goal is for everyone to get home. Relationships may still require repair. Conversations may still need to continue. Boundaries may still need to be established. Sometimes physical self-protection remains necessary. If we can prevent unnecessary violence, whether physical, psychological, relational, or organizational, we have already succeeded.
As Chris reminded me:
If you get home safely, it was perfect.
That idea stays with me. It may be that conflict education has become too complicated. Perhaps violence prevention is not about teaching countless responses. Perhaps it begins with cultivating a different way of being. A calmer nervous system, a humbler posture, greater curiosity, and stronger self awareness. And one sincere question.
How can I help you?
Peace is rarely created in dramatic moments. It is built quietly, one intention at a time.
Chris
Conflicts are rarely pretty. They are often filled with chaos and the unknown. Many people cannot even remember what they said, good or bad.
But if you enter a conflict with the goal of both parties getting home safely, the result is often perfect.
I have had people tell me they handled a conflict perfectly. And I remind them there was another person involved. If you both got home safely, then he handled it perfectly too.
What is the expression? It takes two to tango.
Where This Leaves Us
Jae came to SAFE as a professional who already knew how to do this work.
What I strive to maintain, and what Jae obviously already does, is keeping an open mind to any additional concept or idea that will keep his clients safe.
That is what SAFE Certification is built to support.
If you teach self defence, or conflict resolution, or you work with people under pressure, the question is not whether you know your material. It is whether the people in front of you will remember any of it when it counts.
Stress doesn't wait for the fight. Neither should your training. That is what SAFE trains for.
Explore SAFE Certification: safeinternational.biz/self-defence-certification
About Jae Morgan
Jae Morgans, B.A. (Justice Studies), C.Med., Q.Arb., EHP
Jae Morgans is a Conflict and Violence Prevention Specialist, Chartered Mediator, and Qualified Arbitrator with over 20 years of experience helping people and organizations manage conflict, de-escalate difficult situations, and build safer cultures.
He holds a Bachelor of Arts in Justice Studies from Royal Roads University and serves as the Conflict Engagement Specialist at the University of Saskatchewan. Drawing on conflict psychology, neuroscience, and trauma-informed practice, Jae specializes in spotting the early signs of escalation and giving professionals practical de-escalation skills they can use under pressure.
His work is grounded in one belief: the most effective violence prevention begins long before a physical confrontation.
Connect with Jae on LinkedIn.
